How do you deal with the fact that you're not good enough?
How do you deal with the disappointment you have with yourself?
How do you stop the heat on your cheek and the burning in your chest when you saw someone flashing the medal on his hand? The medal you chased.
How do you live with the shame?
I wanted to be better, always. But all i feel is i'm walking backwards in everything in my life.
How did i end up here?
I try to find something to blame, or pretend that i don't care.
But the voice just keep following me everywhere, reminding me, it's just you.
YOU JUST DON'T HAVE IT IN YOU.
I'm forever a pushover, a slow learner, the less bright one, the careless and incompetent one.
What can you do better than others?
I keep asking myself all these years, but i just don't know how to answer.
I don't know how to lie to myself anymore.
I've been telling myself, no, don't get sucked into the black hole. If you're not good with it, you improve it, you try to learn it, you keep on practicing it. You will get it.
But i never get it. Still a pushover still a slow learner, still the less bright one, still careless and incompetent. It hurts to watch yourself when you are a failure.
Tell me how to be better, cause i don't know how to do it by myself anymore.
Friday, December 7, 2018
Monday, September 24, 2018
Closure
Went for a movie yesterday and shook deeply by it
Realised that no matter how hard I tried to forget and move on
There will always be a hole, cause that i never get the chance to know
Do i matter?
It's been 5 years but tears still came pouring out when I heard the father says
"I love you so much, I just never get to tell you yet"
"I wanted the conversation, but i realised we have nothing to talk anymore"
"I wanted to mend things but i was too late"
"I thought words get easier when you grow up, but i realise you grow so apart from me"
"I'm so sorry"
Not all wounds heal. Not everyone lucky enough to move on. People tell me that I should just let go, but you don't understand. It's not i don't want to, I don't get to.
You never get the closure you deserve. With his passing, he left everything hanging. There is no acknowledgement, no answer to all the questions. No mends to all the hurting.
It will always be unfinished. Messy and exposed.
Realised that no matter how hard I tried to forget and move on
There will always be a hole, cause that i never get the chance to know
Do i matter?
It's been 5 years but tears still came pouring out when I heard the father says
"I love you so much, I just never get to tell you yet"
"I wanted the conversation, but i realised we have nothing to talk anymore"
"I wanted to mend things but i was too late"
"I thought words get easier when you grow up, but i realise you grow so apart from me"
"I'm so sorry"
Not all wounds heal. Not everyone lucky enough to move on. People tell me that I should just let go, but you don't understand. It's not i don't want to, I don't get to.
You never get the closure you deserve. With his passing, he left everything hanging. There is no acknowledgement, no answer to all the questions. No mends to all the hurting.
It will always be unfinished. Messy and exposed.
Friday, February 9, 2018
Again
if you were still here
would you be proud of me?
would you think that what i have today is finally good enough?
i hate that i still want that
after all the pain and hurt i felt, yet i still want your approval
how silly am i.
i hate how you make me feel even after you're gone.
i hate that i still miss you.
if i could just talk to you again.
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